How many cats is the right number for you? Some people have difficulty knowing when to stop. Like this lady. When she got to the point that she couldn’t take 3 steps without tripping over a cat, that should have been a
tipoff she had a few too many furry house guests.
As someone who’s lived with cats throughout my entire marriage (my wife required me to insert “and our cats” into my wedding vows), I often have people come up to me asking questions like, “Dude, why are you staring at me?” But sometimes they ask, “Tim, how many cats is the right number to own?” My response: “How many potato chips are you supposed to eat? Just one? Impossible! Same with cats.” [And to my neighbor, Bert, who sometimes takes my words too literally, I did not mean to imply that like potato chips, you should actually eat lots of cats. Just pet them, for God’s sake.]
As a lifelong cat enthusiast and part-time lint roller tester, I consider myself a leading authority on the subject of the ideal cats-to-humans ratios. We’ve been cat owners for four decades. Of course, the matter of who in this partnership are the true owners – us or our cats – is a topic of heated ongoing debate with our feline companions.
All our cats joined our family the same way. My wife would go to the local animal shelter without telling me and come home with three to six orphan kittens – sometimes with their mom cat – and would say, “Look, aren’t they adorable?” That’s where her official fostering responsibilities ended. The job of feeding them, scooping their litter, and cleaning up the mess they always created fell to me. And in the process, I’d inevitably start to become attached.
Then, when it came time to return them to the animal shelter, I would negotiate with my wife in an attempt to keep some of them. My opening bid usually was, “Honey, can we keep all five of them?” To which my wife’s response was something along the lines of, “You’re insane. I’ll agree to keep one kitten.” There’s even a term for when foster families fail to return kittens to the shelter. It’s called a “Foster Fail.” I am a serial foster failer. You may be asking, “So, Tim, how many cats do you currently own?” Um, our current cat count is classified, mostly because the head of our HOA reads my columns.
If you’re thinking about adopting a cat, ask yourself, How Many Cats Should I Have? Here’s a summary explaining the ideal number of cats to invite into your home and subsequently take over your life:
1 Cat: Talk about a lame effort. Why would anyone adopt just one kitty? Tell me, who’s going to keep him company when you’re at work all day? You’ll leave him no choice but to rip up your brand new leather sofa in protest to being sentenced to solitary confinement nine hours a day.
2 Cats: That’s the bare minimum. At least now they each have a playmate, and they can re-direct some of their razor-sharp clawed sneak attacks planned for your bare calf towards their furry housemate instead.
This is a photo of our four cats, Zippy, Buddy, Dust Bunny, and Eddie. Our fifth Cat, Monster, was not available for this photo due to a prior commitment he had with a fascinating twist tie he’d just discovered in the front hall closet.
3 – 4 Cats: You’re in the sweet spot. With this number you can be assured there will always be at least one furry friend curled on your lap, another watching you from the kitchen counter where he is clearly forbidden, and one plotting to knock over your glass of red wine onto your laptop keyboard.
5 – 9 Cats: Yikes. You might want to think about getting off the adoption train at the next stop. At this number, you’ll need at least three scratching posts and you’re probably contemplating the need to cover your leather furniture in plastic wrap or burlap. By now you’ve probably purchased a Roomba which you run daily, in a vain attempt to keep the stray fur at ankle depth. You no longer invite friends over, out of sheer embarrassment.
10 – 19 Cats: Whoa, Nelly. I’m starting to seriously worry about you. At this level, you probably have noticed most of your former friends are now shunning you. Nice job on the wall-mounted cat walkway that completely encircles the entire main floor. You might want to consider joining a support group… or better yet, get a life.
20+ Cats: Okay, now we’re veering into “future Netflix documentary” territory. At this point, the cats have totally taken over just about all the horizontal surfaces of your house, leaving you only the moldy futon in the basement as your new sleeping quarters. When neighbors whisper about “those crazy cat people,” they’re talking about YOU.
So, what’s the ideal number? My professional opinion: somewhere between three and “my neighbor just called Animal Control.” More than 15, and I’d say you’re probably a prime candidate for a future episode of Dr. Phil about cat hoarders. If you’re spending more on cat food and litter than on your mortgage, it may be time to seek financial and psychological counseling.
Studies I just made up show that cat ownership reduces anxiety, increases happiness, and boosts your immunity to loneliness and cat-allergic friends. Owning multiple cats has proven psychological advantages, like instant therapy: Nothing calms the soul like several sets of eyes staring at you ravenously while you eat tuna.
Cats provide consistent companionship. You’ll never be alone again – whether you want to or not. Not even in the bathroom. Definitely not during your Zoom meeting with your boss. And at bedtime, enjoy the pure joy of snuggling with your favorite furry friend, as he peacefully falls asleep on your face just before you wake up in terror and suddenly realize he’s about to suffocate you. So adorable.
Here I am with the two latest additions to our fur family: Eddie and Dust Bunny. Our cats give us 60% of our daily laughs and giggles. The other 40% mostly comes from watching cat videos on YouTube.
Owning multiple cats is not a hobby – it’s a lifestyle. Like knitting, but the yarn fights back. Sure, you’ll spend a good chunk of your disposable income on vet visits, cat food, cat toys, and an entire new living room set to replace the previous one that your cat named Monster destroyed. But in return, you’ll receive unconditional indifference, the occasional head bop, and a house full of fluffy, judgmental roommates who you try to convince yourself actually love you back, but, to be honest, you’ll never know for sure.
So my advice is this: No matter how many cats you currently have, there’s always room for one or two more. Over time, they may even help you totally forget about the fact that your spouse left you because they could not stand living in a cat house and constantly tripping over 15 empty boxes from Amazon (cats’ favorite place to chillax).
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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