As the vast majority of American agree (and Donald Trump routinely reminds us), he’s the greatest president since Abraham Lincoln, the most brilliant military strategist since General Patton, and the most beloved, gracious international statesman since Benjamin Franklin.
According to polls conducted by Trump University, Trump’s popularity as president has shattered all previous records. In the past six months, everyday Americans have signaled their overwhelming approval of his brilliant chess game-like on-again-off-again tariffs, daily ICE deportation raids on elementary schools, dismantling of the totally useless Department of Education, de-funding of the radical leftwing Corporation for Public Broadcasting, pushing to remove permanently all Palestinians from Gaza so he can turn it into a Trump waterfront golf resort for rich American and European tech bros, and so many other gobsmacking, um, achievements.
Canadians are demanding to be added as our 51st state, insisting Trump choose them ahead of Greenland, Panama, and Vatican City. Every day our glorious leader furiously bangs out more than 50 inspirational ALL CAPS Truth Social posts (slightly fewer on the three days a week he typically reserves for golf).
His administration is staffed with the most dedicated team of professional sycophants of any presidential administration in history, from his genius pick of oft-times sober Pete Hegseth as Defense Secretary to vaccine denialist RFK Jr for Health and Human Services Secretary. Every day our widely respected president, who is adored by world leaders (from Putin to Kim Jong Un) works tirelessly from the time he gets out of bed at 11am until almost 2pm to focus on the needs of the average American (by which he means any Caucasian male with a net worth of $15 million or greater).
Here is just a small sampling of the president’s latest bold proclamations (to distract his supporters and critics), along with the glowingly positive reaction from his devoted followers:
President Trump announced this week that he will block the Washington Commanders football team’s efforts to build a new stadium in DC unless they agree to his demands to change the name back to the Redskins, which, according to his own internal polling, 97% of Native Americans think is a fabulous idea. His MAGA supporters love this idea too, with one person rave-tweeting, “The thing about changing the team’s name back to the Redskins is that … Donald Trump is on the Epstein list!!”
Recently, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu announced his plans to nominate President Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize (presumably for his decision to bomb the crap out of Iran – just after they safely removed all the uranium and the centrifuges from the places that were bombed). A Republican Trump supporter in Mississippi enthusiastically gave this idea two thumbs up, saying, “The only thing that could make this news any better is to finally once and for all release all the Epstein Files.”
Trump’s Department of Homeland Security announced, under Trump’s directive, that they will now start deporting anybody who has a Spanish-sounding accent (with the exception of Antonio Banderas) and will expand plans to build more Alligator Alcatraz facilities at middle schools throughout the nation. Rightwing white supremacist podcaster Nick Fuentes praised this decision, adding, “What are you hiding, Donald? Release the Epstein Files once and for all.”
At a recent press briefing Trump convincingly explained there was nothing in the Epstein files of importance. Just boring stuff. But if anything incriminating about him turns up, then it’s all fake news deviously plotted by Joe Biden in an attempt to destroy America. Everybody felt that his explanation addressed all their concerns.
Last week, in response to a reporter’s question about Artificial Intelligence, Trump explained at length how his uncle John Trump was a brilliant professor at MIT and even had Ted Kaczynski (AKA the Unabomber) as a student. Despite the fact that Kaczynski went to Harvard, not MIT, Trump was lauded by conservative media outlets for his creative storytelling, with one commentator adding, “For years you told us you’d get to the bottom of the Epstein cover-up. And now you are telling us there never were any files. Release the goddamn Epstein Files. All of them.”
Trump also announced recently that he is thinking about deporting Rosie O’Donnell and hinted that he wants California Senator Adam Schiff, one of the lead prosecutors on the January 6th Committee, executed for treason. At a rally in support of Trump’s comments, hundreds of vocal Trump loyalists held up signs reading, “STOP THE COVERUP! RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FILES!”
Trump also is receiving overwhelming praise for the passage of his Big Beautiful Bill, which among other things will result in loss of Medicaid healthcare coverage for over 11 million Americans and cause over 22 million struggling families to lose some or all of their SNAP (food stamps) benefits. With almost universal support, according to recent Trump Administration polling, thousands of Americans on Medicaid recently cheered his bold new legislation, explaining, “The only reason Trump could possibly have to shut down the FBI investigation into the Epstein Files is that he’s in it, and it’s really, really bad.”
A news story came out recently stating that Attorney General Pam Bondi has ordered the FBI to assign 1,000 personnel on 24-hour shifts to mine over 100,000 Epstein-related records for any reference to Trump’s name. “Clearly, this is something you would only do if you knew Trump’s name was going to show up over and over, and you planned to delete all these references to avoid criminal prosecution,” said an enthusiastic longtime Trump supporter, as they tossed their red MAGA baseball cap and gold Trump sneakers into a burning dumpster.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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