Kristi Noem, Homeland Security Secretary, and Stephen Miller, White House Deputy Chief of Staff announced the Trump Administration’s new policy to combat the rampant number of “acts of domestic terrorism.” No one should be concerned that this may impact them – so long as they have previously purchased a Trump watch, Trump sneakers, a Trump Bible, or invested at least $15,000 in Trump’s World Liberty Financial crypto coin.
Washington, D.C. — In an effort to reduce confusion, panic, and accidental freedom, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem and White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller held a joint press conference today to clarify what the Trump Administration now considers “an act of domestic terrorism.”
The clarification was deemed necessary after authorities recently determined that driving an SUV containing stuffed animals in the glove compartment and Cheerios in the back seat constituted “a rolling daycare of radicalism” and an imminent threat to law enforcement.
“Americans deserve clarity,” Miller said, standing in front of a giant banner that read IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, THEN GIVE US YOUR FACEBOOK PASSWORD. “People are nervous. They’re asking questions like, ‘Am I a terrorist?’ And we want to reassure them that yes – statistically speaking, many of you probably are.”
Miller explained that the new guidelines were designed to be “narrow, precise, and easy to understand,” while also allowing federal agents to respond swiftly to suspicious behaviors, vague vibes, disrespectful facial expressions, and anyone who “looks like they might be checking their TikTok feed during the national anthem.”
Under the newly clarified policy, the following activities fall within the carefully limited definition of “acts of domestic terrorism” and may result in immediate arrest, questioning, or being taken to the ground by a masked, bearded man in sunglasses and tactical pants:
Jaywalking — but only if you’re a resident of a blue state, a swing state, or a state that once voted blue in 1976 and hasn’t properly apologized.
Using a steak knife when a butter knife is clearly the appropriate culinary utensil, which Miller described as “cutlery extremism.”
Pausing too long before answering the question, “How great is America?”
Owning a reusable grocery bag, especially one with words like co-op, farmer, or save the planet, all of which are known Marxist trigger phrases.
Referring to January 6th as “an attempt to subvert the results of a fair election” instead of “a patriotic open-house tour filled with love, light trespassing, and artisanal zip ties.”
Having a foreign-sounding name, or any name that causes Tucker Carlson to squint.
Agatha Burns, a teacher at Crestline Elementary School in Gadsden, Alabama, is poisoning these impressionable 3rd graders with a deeply disturbing fake lesson about the “Gulf of Mexico.” She knows its correct name is “Gulf of America.” On the plus side, at least she has identified the correct location of this important American-owned sea.
Anyone named Mohammed, unless you are a crypto billionaire, UFC sponsor, or recently purchased TikTok.
Anyone who can locate Somalia on a map.
Any woman or minority hired or promoted within the past five years if there was a nearly-as-qualified white male available who “just needed one more chance.”
Driving an electric vehicle when there is a perfectly adequate gas-guzzling Chevy Blazer you could have purchased instead.
Kristi Noem then outlined offenses considered severe enough to warrant immediate deportation to an El Salvadoran torture camp – or, in less serious cases, a Mississippi Waffle House. These include posting any of the following nicknames mocking President Trump on social media:
Trumpoleon, The Incontinental Divider, Vladdy’s Boy, Mango Mussolini, Our Fondling Father, Don Whoreleone, Pumpkin-Spiced Stalin, Cheeto Benito, The Lyin’ King, Don the Con, Tangerine Toddler, Cheetolini, Teddy Dozevelt, Napoleon Bone-Aspur, Commander-in-Thief, Nostra-Dumbass, Donny Nappleseed, His MAGA-Sty, Donald Duck the Draft, Tannibal Lecter, or simply saying “Trump” in a tone that suggests disapproval.
Subscribing to The New York Times, even for the recipes, and especially for playing Wordle, which Noem described as “how revolutions start.”
Listening to NPR discuss DEI and saying at any point, “Wow. That sounds like a good thing.”
Watching Jimmy Kimmel monologues on YouTube and laughing approvingly to this unfunny, no-talent loser.
Demanding the release of the entire unredacted Epstein Files – Give it a rest. There’s nothing to see.
Canceling tickets to any performance at the DONALD J. TRUMP KENNEDY CENTER FOR FREEDOM AND LOYALTY since the name change.
Videotaping an ICE officer or confronting them with any of the following aggressive, terroristic behaviors:
Asking to see their badge
Asking them to remove their mask
Asking if they could remove their knee from your neck
Asking for directions to the nearest Whole Foods store
Noem also warned Americans to avoid “pre-crime indicators,” including but not limited to:
Accidentally referring to the Gulf of America by its former, treasonous name
Using words or phrases like hands off our healthcare, resist, or NO KINGS
Pointing out that Greenland technically belongs to Denmark, a (former) NATO ally and current buzzkill
Being “a fatty” (but only if you’re in the U.S. military)
Stephen Miller then announced that Pam Bondi’s Department of Justice will begin reviewing every citizen’s social-media history dating back to the 2016 election. “Any post, comment, emoji, or LIKE critical of President Trump, myself, Kristi Noem, Pam Bondi, Kash Patel, RFK Jr., or RFK Jr.’s brain worm will be flagged,” Miller said. “And by flagged, I mean sent directly to President Trump so he can personally attack you in one of his 100+ nightly Truth Social rage posts between midnight and 6 a.m.”
Additional acts now considered suspicious include googling “Can Trump legally do that?”, “When did our democracy die?” or “How is the economy doing now vs. under Biden?”. Not to mention anyone caught subscribing to Tim Jones’ View from the Bleachers.
This couple better hope ICE doesn’t catch them watching this show. Rachel Maddow and MS NOW (formerly MSNBC) is fake news intent on brainwashing us to believe Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion are good.
Citizens were also cautioned against displaying un-American tendencies such as wearing a mask when sick, getting vaccinated, explaining how tariffs are actually a tax on U.S. consumers, or making a protest sign of any kind – unless it is in praise of President Trump – and misspelled.
When asked if there were any actions that would result in immediate, non-appealable deportation, Noem responded without hesitation. “Yes. One specific action: Being caught committing an act of treason.”
When pressed to define treason, she clarified, “Anyone suspected of having voted for Obama, Biden, or Hillary – especially if you seem smug about it.”
Noem and Miller closed the press conference by encouraging Americans to remain calm, compliant, and constantly vigilant for any suspicious, terrorist-leaning behavior – especially by their adolescent children.
At press time, Homeland Security officials were reportedly investigating a Guatemalan woman for standing in line at Starbucks while quietly shaking her head at the latest menu prices.
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A Thirteen-Year-Old, a Disabled Retiree, and a Gay Schnauzer Among Those Detained
A vigilant ICE officer quickly broke up an attempt by a Clearwater, Florida teacher to indoctrinate the impressionable young minds of her kindergarten class. She was feeding them nefarious stories of witchcraft and other anti-Christian pagan themes. The ICE official confiscated evil book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.
Washington, D.C. – April 13, 2025 – In its latest effort to protect America from vaguely defined threats to freedom, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has announced a sweeping series of arrests this week, targeting what President Trump has described as “some of the nastiest hombres” and who ICE officials have identified as “individuals whose behaviors raise substantial flags, not necessarily red, but at least an alarming shade of pink.”
The following is a summary of some of today’s key apprehensions:
Beaumont, Texas – Thirteen-Year-Old Girl Arrested for Religious Inquiry
ICE officials detained 13-year-old Kaitlyn Ramirez, a straight-A student and junior varsity cheerleader, for allegedly googling, “Who is Allah?” while working on a middle school world religions homework assignment. Authorities intercepted the conversation through Kaitlyn’s smart speaker and immediately classified the question as “potentially radicalizing behavior.”
“She should’ve just asked about Zeus,” stated ICE spokesperson Brad Tallwall. “You don’t see kids getting radicalized by Ancient Greece. They just wear togas and yell ‘Opa!'”
Kaitlyn has been placed in a re-education camp where she will learn about more appropriate religious inquiries, such as “Who is the Holy Ghost” and “Who would Jesus deport?”
Boston, Massachusetts – 78-Year-Old Disabled Man Detained for Baseball Curiosity
Clarence Willoughby, 78, was detained Tuesday after asking a Barnes & Noble employee if they carried “a biography about Jackie Robinson.” According to the ICE incident report, Willoughby, who uses a walker and appears to be non-white, “raised suspicions by referring to a known historical activist and someone who once slid aggressively into second base, which was being protected by an unarmed white man just minding his own business.”
Clarence attempted to clarify that he was simply a lifelong baseball fan. ICE remained unmoved, issuing a statement that read, “We’re not saying Mr. Willoughby is un-American, but he did admit to once watching all eight hours of a Ken Burns documentary about Muhammad Ali. How could he not become radicalized after that?”
Mr. Willoughby is currently being held in a minimum-security nostalgia facility, where detainees are required to watch “Hallmark Channel” movies about young white people falling in love on an endless loop until they forget any history that existed before Ronald Reagan was president.
Portland, Oregon – Barista Removed for Using Metric System
ICE agents raided a downtown Portland coffee shop on Thursday morning, apprehending Sierra Moonbeam, 26, after she asked a customer if they wanted a “half-liter cold brew.”
“Using the metric system is a clear sign of sympathizing with non-American forces,” said Deputy ICE Commander Frank Catchem. “We use ounces in this country. Liters are for elite European socialists and enemies of freedom. And besides, she had a hippie peace symbol tattoo on her neck. Sounds like an agitator to me.”
Sierra reportedly tried to explain that her question was prompted by a barista training manual sourced from Canada. ICE dismissed her excuse as “maple-scented propaganda.”
Dayton, Ohio – Father of Two Expelled for Cooking Falafel
ICE arrested Mohammed Patel, a 34-year-old accountant and father of two, after neighbors reported “suspicious smells” coming from his backyard grill. Upon investigation, agents discovered Patel was preparing homemade falafel which he claimed was for a PTA fundraiser.
“We can’t take chances,” said Agent Carl Lahckemup. “That food had spices in it we couldn’t even pronounce. Also, he called his grill a ‘tandoor,’ which might be a code word for something bad.”
Patel has been sent to a Homeland Culinary Adjustment Detention Facility, where he will be retrained in safer American dishes, such as cheeseburgers, baked beans, and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.
Phoenix, Arizona – Woman Detained for Watching Foreign Cinema
Eliza Grant, 42, a librarian and mother of three, was taken into ICE custody after checking out the 1952 Japanese film Ikiru from her local public library.
“She had subtitles on and everything,” said ICE analyst Tanya Kickemaut. “Next thing you know, she’ll be sipping espresso and saying words like ‘existential.’ We don’t need that kind of French influence spreading. Imagine if there had been impressionable young children nearby!”
Eliza has been assigned mandatory viewing of all nine Fast & Furious movies, to reestablish a sense of traditional American narrative structure and car-based diplomacy.
Mrs. Edna Washington of Duluth, Minnesota was apprehended by ICE agents after she was caught in the act of listening to an audio cassette instructional program called “Beginning Spanish.” Officials, out of an abundance of caution, arrested her on suspicion she might be trying to smuggle illegal Mexicans into the USA to sell fentanyl to minors. She was last seen in an El Salvadoran women’s detention camp.
Miami, Florida – Teen Removed After Saying “Soccer is Better than Football”
ICE officials removed Diego Martinez, 17, from an AP Government class after he made the offensive statement, “Soccer is better than football,” during a classroom debate.
The school resource officer contacted ICE, who cited Diego for “public admiration of an alien sport” and “blatant disrespect of America’s national pastime.”
Diego is currently being held in a suburban juvenile holding facility where he will be required to memorize the rules of the American football, identify at least ten Jimmy Stewart movies, and list his top five favorite Tom Brady moments.
Madison, Wisconsin – Gay Schnauzer Deported After Being Caught Humping a Cat
A nine-year-old male schnauzer named Titus has been deported to a Guatemalan animal detention compound after he was caught attempting to fornicate with a male cat. ICE agents stormed the house where Titus lived after receiving an anonymous tip that “there is some ungodly, depraved homosexual promiscuity going on in the house next door.”
It turned out that Titus has a history of copulating with nonconsenting individuals including multiple attempts to mount other male dogs, a neighborhood goat, and the family’s La-Z-Boy recliner. Titus will enter a canine conversion therapy program, and if that doesn’t work, then he will be neutered.
ICE Defends Actions
In a press conference Friday morning, ICE Deputy Director Linda Shacklesworth defended the agency’s actions. “These individuals may appear harmless,” said Shacklesworth, “but so did jazz musicians in the ’30s, and look where that got us – berets, poetry, and rampant saxophone abuse.”
She added, “This isn’t about where you’re from or what you believe. It’s about ensuring no American citizen feels uncomfortable ever, even for a second, in a public setting about anything suspicious.”
When asked about the growing concern over the vague definition of “suspicious,” Shacklesworth replied, “If you have to ask what constitutes ‘suspicious,’ that just makes you sound awfully suspicious. Watch yourself.”
[Editor’s Note: ICE later clarified that a 4-year-old boy in Nebraska was mistakenly flagged after telling his daycare provider that his favorite food was “quiche.” He was released after agreeing to call it “egg pie with meat.”]
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
